I haven’t been blogging too much lately. I’m in a pretty negative place, overall, right now. Right now, I can’t see past the darkness of my depression and the crushing pain of my fibromyalgia. Because of this, I haven’t felt like blogging. It’s hard to find something you want to share when you feel joyless and detached. I almost get angry when we have beautiful spring days like yesterday, but I’m too fatigued and in pain to be able to go out and enjoy them. I say “almost” because I feel like I should be angry, but I can’t work up enough of the energy I need to care that much. Also, I haven’t wanted all my blog posts to be whiny and negative. I want to write about it a little bit today, though. I feel like, if I don’t, I’ll be all Elsa with a “swirling storm inside.” And then I’ll set off an eternal winter, which will just end up leaving me trying to find snow boots in April that fit the girls.
So, Julie, whaaaaaat’s happening?
This past weekend was nice, in that our family traveled to Yorktown for the baptism of our goddaughter, Rosalyn.
It was lovely to see our friends and our other goddaughter, Elizabeth. And the excitement of the girls upon discovering that the Easter bunny had visited our hotel room was pretty magical. Rachael literally woke up and gasped.
And then she pestered us all day to eat her chocolate bunny.
But the trip did take a lot out of me. I was so sore, I could hardly move yesterday. The fatigue left me feeling nauseated. I couldn’t take Rachael to the bus in the morning. I think all I really managed to do yesterday was feed myself and the girls and put Zoë down for bed. It’s always frustrating, no matter how used to it you may be, when you have a flare that bad. Fortunately, someone else was leading the Girl Scout meeting we had last night, otherwise I don’t know what I would have done.
I’m also feeling pretty discouraged about my weight. I know my medication got me to this place, but eating bags of jelly beans and other junk as comfort is certainly not my medication’s fault. I’ve been able to lose weight before, but now I have no idea what to do because I can’t exercise like I used to. I was finally able to sign up for a gentle yoga class that was at a reasonable time, but it was canceled for lack of interest.
The bonus feature of this low body self-esteem is having acne worse than I did when I was a teenager. I mean, Sunday morning, I woke up with a thrimple! That is, a throat pimple. Seriously. Dead center, right over my esophagus. If that isn’t the universe saying Fuck you!, I don’t know what is.
Real no makeup selfies. I KNOW! The resemblance is astonishing! So glad that Gwynnie is also keeping it real!
I went for a follow-up with my rheumatologist today. She had me re-test my thyroid, since my T4 had been at the lowest end of normal at the last visit. Today had the same results. T3 and TSH normal, with T4 being as low as possible while still within normal limits. She’s going to have me try the lowest dosage of thyroid medication to see if it helps, as she feels I’m headed toward hypothyroidism anyway. At the end of the appointment, she told me to cheer up. In that moment, I wanted to smack the caked-on makeup off her collagen-injected face so hard. CHEER UP?!?!? If only it were that fucking easy! I would love nothing more than to feel optimistic about finding treatment that will work well enough for me to not feel like shit on a constant basis. I would love to be able to just snap out of the funk which has enveloped me. Honestly, even with all the painful hugs, swollen chest muscles, and feet which feel as though I’m walking on knives, sometimes the thing that hurts the most is the inability to cheer up.