MAN is women’s hero!

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Recently a man posted a notice for all the ladies on the Facebook page for my friend’s community. I really want to share his public service announcement, exactly as it was written, because I think it’s something we all need to know.

Ladies…Id like a moment or two of your time, if I may, to inform you of things many of you are doing and probably aren’t aware of.
Countless times, I’ve been standing behind you (“you” is a general term for all the women I’ve observed) in the checkout line at Publix as you pay for your purchases. In almost all of the cases….(Bravo to those of you who I’ve seen doing it right) I’ve watched you pull out your big-ole’ wallet from your overly stuffed purse/bag of bottomless pits. In frightening regularity, you lay your wallet on the counter or on the check writing tables in clear and open view as you search for whatever it is you are searching for…Pen, Cell Phone, etc…
OK, so what’s the big deal?…..The big deal is, if I were an Evil Doer (I assure you, I’m not…{insert Evil Grin, here}), I had visual access to your Full Names, your addresses, Credit Card Numbers…Checking account Routing numbers just to name a few of the biggies. I’ve even been able to see one woman’s Concealed Carry Permit. Good for you, by the way!! Without much effort, I can tell if you are Married or not (in most cases) and I can surmise what type of vehicle you drive by the huge bundle of Keys you place on the counter or fumble with as you conduct your business.
You need to be more aware of your surroundings. That nice young man or woman standing behind you could end up being your worst nightmares come true. When you go into the store, take only what you need in order to conduct business. Identification, Credit/Debit Card or Checkbook…BUT, at the same time, don’t leave your purse lying in the seat of your car. You could come out missing your purse and a Window. If you know you are going to be writing a check for you purchases, you could even take just one check with you. Yes, I know…it seems strange not to take the entire Checkbook with Register, but you’ll have the Receipt with you and you can easily update your checkbook once you are back home…safe and sound. Sometime, I have gone out of my way to make it as obvious as I can that I am looking at your wallet…No one has EVER asked me a question or removed their personal information from view.
Listen, I have six sisters a wife and a daughter. To say woman are an important aspect of my life would be an understatement. Ladies, don’t make yourself a Soft-Target for the Evil Doers out there. Keep your personal information away from prying eyes. I’m just scratching the surface of ways in which you can keep yourself and loved ones safe and secure.
If you want to add more tips and techniques to this…PLEASE DO SO! I didn’t have time to list them all.

Now, I know some of you are really mad right now. You’re thinking, Why are all the good one’s taken? I wish I had someone like that in my neighborhood, watching out for all of us silly women. I had no idea I was paying for groceries wrong all. this. time.

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Ladies, I couldn’t agree with you more! Here I was, thinking I was paying for groceries just like any other person, and it turns out that I was making the person behind me in line victimize me! Seriously, guys! We might as well just go ahead and flash everyone a look at our vag, or business of vag for the plural, while we’re at it. I mean, how could we not realize that during our frantic searches to find what we need in our ridiculously-sized purses, (frantic, because we don’t want to hold up the line and inconvenience anyone) we are, in reality, inconveniencing them by making them look into our purses and at our IDs!

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Ladies, if we want to earn the respect of this MAN, (that’s literally what his profile picture says, so you know it’s true.  Just in case you had any doubts about his masculinity) we really need to heed his warning and follow his advice.

First things first: get a concealed carry permit, even if you have no intention of ever getting a gun, just to prove how badass you are. This ensures that the person collecting your personal information will, at least, respect you.

Secondly, you should really stop carrying a purse that fits everything you need or acquire on a daily basis. I mean, yes, it would be nice if we could continue to carry our wallets, cell phones, pens, lip balms, snacks, kid’s snacks, entertainment for the kids, forms for school, forms from the doctor, sunglasses, eye drops, (if you wear contacts) key rings with the clickers and keys to both cars, keys for the house, scan tags for the grocery store, library, or local dessert shop where we need to buy something chocolate each month while we’re PMSing, tissues, and whatever else ridiculous, unnecessary item we think we need in one comfortable bag that fits over our shoulder. But we really should start carrying things inside our pockets, since they are absolutely impenetrable to pickpockets. And the next time the man in your life asks to store something in your purse, you can just roll your eyes and marvel at how impractical he is. You may also feel free to scoff if he tells you that most identity theft occurs online, and then drift off and dream about the MAN who really cares about you.

Finally, make sure that you let everyone know that you’re aware of your surroundings and not at all paranoid. If there is a creepy person in line behind you, staring at you and getting up in your personal space, immediately stop feeling creeped out and intimidated. Next, turn and face this creepy person and yell, I’m aware of you! Be sure to speak slowly and use big, animated gestures. This will set the creepy person at ease, now that you have removed all doubt of you knowing that they are standing too close and not averting their gaze toward the tabloids. (Jen Aniston is pregnant and dumped again!?!?! Erhmahgah! She deserves love, you assholes! Oooh, lose 30 pounds a day, eating nothing but chocolate doughnuts? Ch’yah!)

Ladies, it is your responsibility not to be victimized. MAN is just concerned about us, and is in no way trying to make himself feel better about looking at our personal information. And we know he only has our best interest in mind because he has so many women in his life. He’s an expert at protecting women and making sure they don’t do anything stupid. He has worked so hard to make sure he maintains his masculinity among so many estrogen-filled females who desperately need him to take care of them and protect them from real creeps, not just the ones who are creepy for the sake of research.

MAN says “Bravo!” to the women who handle their transactions discreetly and don’t force him to look at their personal information. But I say, bravo to you, sir! Without you, we wouldn’t know how to pay for groceries correctly. Nor would we know exactly what sort of asshole we are looking for.

* Special shoutout to the Facebook page admin, as he protected our protector from my friend by deleting her response to MAN. Apparently she told MAN that he was victim blaming, being condescending, and paternalistic. Honestly, I don’t know where she gets off, spewing such feminist nonsense. I guess there’s really only one explanation for her response to MAN.

Bitches be crazy.

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4 thoughts on “MAN is women’s hero!

  1. Hmmm, I actually thought “Man” had good advice. We do need to pay attention to what we are doing. I catch myself doing stupid things at times…like leaving my wallet on the counter or my back to my purse. My kids can be very distracting in the store. I know some of it was obvious and could be taken as patronizing, but I really think he was trying to be nice.
    Just my opinion anyways!

    • I definitely agree that we do need to be aware of our surroundings and not leave our personal info out. What I really object to is his tone and how it comes across as, “Silly females, I know better than you,” whilst he pats us on our heads. It’s the way one would speak to children, not capable women. The way in which he describes the wallets and purses reveals his general lack of respect. I don’t feel like it was about him being helpful, so much as it was about something that bothered him and he needed to demonstrate how much smarter he is by “fixing” the problem.

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