As I Lay Hurting


I had my first pain management doctor’s appointment today, as the new rheumatologist I saw at the beginning of the month doesn’t do pain management.  I went in hopeful.  I should have known better.  Once again, I was met with fat-shaming and incredulity.  And after he was finished beating the shit out of my body, confirming what three other doctors have already diagnosed, I was treated to feeling like a drug addict when I signed the agreement not to sell my tramadol and handed them a pee sample.

I don’t really feel like writing a long, coherent post with subject, verb, tense agreement, so here are the highlights.

  • Is there something in the Doctor’s Guide to Being an Asshole that says that when a patient complains of fibromyalgia, the doctor must poke and prod as hard as possible so that the patient gasps and screams?  It’s like if you went to the dentist, complaining of a sore tooth, and the dentist shoved a sharp instrument up through it to make sure you’re really telling the truth.  I felt like I’d been on the wrong side of Mike Tyson by the time he was finished.
  • Maybe this is my own personal quibble but, when did doctors stop giving physician referrals?  I keep having doctors tell me, “You need to go see this specialist,” but don’t give me a place to even start.  Are we just supposed to figure it out for ourselves?  At the last doctor visit was the rheumo telling me I needed to go to physical therapy, but to make sure it was somewhere that has experience treating fibro.  Today, I was told to go see a dietician for weight loss and a non-inflammation diet.  And when I asked for professional referrals, they looked at me like I’m ridiculous and bothering them.
  • Why do doctors insist on fat-shaming their patients?  I was in a fuck-ton of pain when I was 100 pounds lighter, back before there were weight gain-causing meds and the inability to exercise.  Will weight loss make me healthier?  Sure. Will it eliminate my pain?  No.


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I’d like to get these doctors to understand how it feels to live with chronic pain, especially when it comes to exercising, (yet another thing I got shit about today, as I don’t do enough aerobic exercise.)  You know what I’d like to?  I’d like to beat the shit out of them with a baseball bat, tell them to drop and give me 100, and then scream in their faces like a drill sergeant:

I’d also like to strap them into some sort of device that creates fibro pain, (like the ones that cause douchey husbands to feel what labor feels like) and then make them go for a 10 mile run.  RUN, FORREST! RUN!

  • “Studies show that Percoset and other narcotic pain meds don’t really help fibromyalgia.”

The pain doctor actually said that to me.  I just wish my body had known that when I had to take it while I was at Disney so I could have the ability to walk.  And I’m really tired of doctors saying that studies show this and that, when it’s really just an excuse to do whatever the hell it is they feel like doing. Of course, narcotic pain meds don’t cure fibro.  But on days like yesterday when I could barely walk without crying because of how much damage he did to my body during the exam, it would have helped. Fuck the “studies”.

I really wish I understood why doctors insist on under-medicating pain patients before they’ve even exhibited signs of addiction and abuse.  Doctors don’t do that to other patients in pain.  It would be the equivalent of a doctor saying to a person with a broken leg, “What you need to feel better is a cast and crutches, but you’re going to have to just walk it off and find some other way to feel better.”  It sounds ridiculous, but that’s what doctors do to chronic pain patients all. the. time.

Once again, I feel stuck.  Being stuck with a shitty doctor is almost like being stuck in an abusive relationship- you can’t leave because, if you do, it will look like you’re the one to blame.  It will look like I left because I’m a drug-seeker, hoping to find a dealer with a medical degree. You’re an addict, Harry.

Finally, a message to all the doctors who think I don’t exercise…

9 thoughts on “As I Lay Hurting

  1. I am blessed with a doctor that understands. I am sorry you are stuck, and I hope things change soon! Fibro does indeed, suck. Even with a good doctor, it is a daily mind numbing, body hurting struggle. Peace and pain free days to you!

  2. I’m sorry you were treated that way. So many doctors are just ridiculous and, yes, assholes. The drugs they prescribe commonly cause weight gain but it must be our fault if we gain weight. Grrr. And the under medicating thing really pisses me off. I take about 3-6 hydrocodone per month, obviously, I am responsible with them. But when I told my doctor I may need to take a few more per month because I have so much pain in the week before my period, she flipped out and recommended a medicated IUD or birth control pills to keep my hormones more level, plus Gabapentin. Like all that shit is going to be less harmful to my health than 2 extra pain pills a month. It’s infuriating. I hope you can find someone better.

    • He also seemed kind of annoyed that my Lyrica dosage was below the standard therapeutic dose. I’m like, I’m sorry, but I have genetic testing that confirms that I will gain weight on any drugs that cause weight gain, and I don’t really want to add to what I’ve already gained.

      • It’s so disappointing that they push these drugs that can have side effects worse than the symptoms they are treating. I’m the same way: anything that can cause weight gain, will cause weight gain.

  3. I’m so sorry you are going through this. You are right being stuck with a shitty doctor is like being in a bad relationship, but just like being in a bad relationship we can leave. We can keep searching till we find someone who will listen and will treat us like the human being that we are. It’s pretty freakin awful the way that healthcare has been treating chronic pain patients in the last year or so. I keep hoping that as more and more studies show that our pain is REAL (fMRI doesn’t lie) they will begin to start treating us that way. Hell, put us all through a freakin fMRI if you need to prove that we aren’t lying, if you can’t believe the screams you elicit from the poking and prodding.

  4. Wow. Lady I like your thinking and I love your writing style! I’m 47 (soon to be 48 this month) and I’ve had fibromyalgia for almost 22 years. So you can imagine how many a-hole doctors I’ve seen and BS comments I’ve heard – not only from doctors, but from FORMER friends, and even family members. I almost laughed – yeah, right, you’re going to sell your Tramadol. I take that too and it’s the only thing that lets me function. You amaze me, raising two little girls with this rotten pain! I didn’t think I wanted children but I was so sick during my child-bearing years I knew I couldn’t raise them properly; luckily I feel fine without having had kids. I was on Neurontin before I got on Lyrica and also gained about 50 pounds and I’ve been super thin my whole life. I’ve been fat-shamed by my own mom; it’s great isn’t it? Like I wanted these extra pounds. Anyway I just discovered your blog through “countingmyspoons” and I can relate so much. I also take Cymbalta, and as I said Lyrica and Tramadol. Anyway I think you’re awesome for doing what I consider the single most important job in the world – raising decent human beings; and you’re doing it with the challenge of chronic pain. I’m so sorry you were treated so horribly by this doctor. Believe me, if these doctors had to go one full month with our pain, fatigue, burning, tingling, etc with no MEDS and no one believed them – I’d really love to see how they’d fare. They somehow think they’re superior because they haven’t had the bad luck to get sick. It’s disgusting.

    • Thanks!
      Isn’t it crazy how so many of us have such similar stories when it comes to being treated by doctors? Once is an anomaly. Twice is a coincidence. Three times or more, it’s a trend. Knowing that trend extends to thousands, or millions, of people makes me feel nauseous. Or maybe that’s just being awake at 4:30 am.

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